It’s been five months since Louis was born. And wow, what can happen in just a span of five months – not like my personal life hasn’t always been on some crazy unintended fast track, but this has really been the most triumphant and emotionally charged few months of my life. There’s so much I wish I knew about it and so much I love about it, mostly that I wish I took more time off for myself when he was born (unfortunately I don’t get a maternity leave since I won my own business). Now I understand why more than two months maternity leave is necessary – it’s crazy.

The transition was really hard; the postpartum anxiety, weird body changes, the insane exhaustion (even if you have help, it’s your kid and you want to take care of them so you’re still exhausted), and overall maternal challenges no one discusses with you in full detail until you’re head first and thinking “… what the fuck, is this normal?” It’s nothing you’ll ever expect until you’re in it, because it’s honestly even too much to explain. So I just end up googling things and calling other moms as the weeks go by.

Best postpartum products I found useful:

Louis has become a person, and over time I have become a different person as well. His personality is literally a mix of Martin and I, totally observant but loves to dance and do things himself. My apartment went from “… just stuff it in a closet.” to being completely organized and labeled (you can’t survive as a mother in a mess, you’ll drown). My mother in law hired me a home organizer for my birthday and it’s honestly the greatest birthday gift I (and Martin :P) ever got. I started eating at home more when we used to order in and go out, and started to finally enjoy my kitchen. My days were always calm collected, now I feel like I vocalize delegation and I live off adrenaline and over-exhaustion. And ultimately, my heart opened up and it explodes all day… my baby is like a drug that keeps my blood pumping.

Nothing he does grosses me out, no matter how gross the situation is. He’s like a funny little tiger, always growling and grabbing things with his iron grip. He chats up Martin when he comes home from work, babbling about how his day was. He dances with any inkling of joy and has the most beautiful look of love in his eyes.

I used to have this perception of motherhood that I now look at as comical; that your life is over. Not over, in a way it just started. It’s just different. And I think that it was unimaginable as something I couldn’t handle because I didn’t meet the right person to do it with. And granted… there have been sobs in the shower, fits of rage fueled by mind numbing exhaustion (I am a cranky bitch when I’m not rested), and anxiety that keeps my eyes open at night no matter how hard I try to fall asleep. But when he’s finally asleep and Martin and I close his door all we want to do is hold him again. He already taught me so much, and honestly is my biggest motivator to do even more.

Photo by @BYSHELLY – Wearing Thom Browne via Armarium